She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
