Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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