i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
