this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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