I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
