I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
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