Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
