Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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