Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
