he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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