Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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