Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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