There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
