im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
