Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
