Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
