so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
