I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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