I wannas sexs uuuuu
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
My vagina is officially offended.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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