p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
