his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
