Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
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