I could make wine with my vomit
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
