is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
