Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
handjob tips. give me some.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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