I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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