Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Randomize
