i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
