i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
