My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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