so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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