i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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