he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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