i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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