hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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