last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Just high enough for therapy.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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