my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
