Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
