so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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