I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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