Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
