I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Watching her eat just hurts me
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize