I must be too annoying 4 u.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
