My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Randomize
