if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Randomize
