Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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