Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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