Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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