I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
