I swear she didn't look like that last week.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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