I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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