i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
