wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
