i'm signing you up for texting rehab
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
