my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
