So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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