It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
