apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize