I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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