my soul wont recognize me after tonight
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Randomize
