If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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