Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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