my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
