I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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